Memories at a Funeral
by why.did.i.make.this.account
Summary: Those who remain of the Generation of Miracles gather at the side of a friend's coffin, saying their final goodbyes and remembering a terrible day.


Aomine was stunning in his tuxedo, even in death.

He lay in the casket, arms crossed around a basketball to ensure a happy journey into the afterlife. One by one, the generation of miracles came to say their final goodbyes, signing their names and wishes of good luck on the transcendent game ball. Their on-court personalities were genuinely reflected in their dealings with grief. Kise had gained a deep understanding for his friend's true personality, and wept with inconsolable agony. Midorima showed no emotion, though he acknowledged the accomplishments of his fallen comrade with a quick sharpie flourish, punctuated by a subtle, heart wrenching exclamation of "Baka."

Atsushi was annoyed by the whole procession, and only signed his name because everyone told him that he should. Ice cream popsicles awaited him, and soon this emotional nonsense would be over.

The reality of the situation sat heavy with the prodigies. It was only a few days earlier that Aomine had walked the ceremonial aisle to pledge his love to Momoi. She was radiant (and unnecessarily voluptuous) in her wedding dress that day, adorned with the number five to represent her love. Aomine stood opposite his bride, teeming with nervousness and insecurities for the first time in his life.

_Am I as good with a woman's heart as I am with a basketball?_

_ Does a woman's heart bounce well enough to dribble?_

_Would she love me if I ignored her data, only to lose a game?_

_ Would she be standing here with Kuroko right now if he hadn't been such a sissyboy and rejected all of her extremely obvious advances?_

The questions were tempestuous in his mind. He could hear the minister speaking, but the distractions kept him from understanding a single word.

_I have to get control. I have to focus. I must eliminate all of this activity from my mind._

He took a deep breath, and completely cleared his brain of idle thoughts.

And then it happened.

The generation of miracles spotted the transformation at once, instantly recognizing the blue aura and that strange lightning stuff trailing from Aomine's eyeballs. He was in the zone now, a place of perfect basketball focus elevating him to god-like athleticism. Somewhere, a million miles from him, the priest acknowledged that it was time for the two partners to kiss and seal their vows. The reflexes of a lifetime of practice took over, and Aomine sprang into action.

"Nobody can kiss me but me!" he shouted, checking the priest hard and slapping the bible out of his hand in a textbook steal. The priest crashed to the ground, and cries of "Charging!" rose up from the wedding attendees. Riko blew on her whistle like a flat-chested madwoman until her lungs gave out, and she collapsed. Aomine swooped low, snatched the bible off of the floor, and leaped. He spun his body completely around, raised the holy basketball effigy high above his head, and tried to slam dunk it through the wedding wreath over Momoi's head.

From the line of groomsmen, a red flash streaked through the air. Kagami super jumped up to match Aomine's height, got his hand on the opposite side of the good book, and began driving it back, away from the flowery hoop.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Kagami screamed, staring his rival in the eye with a vaguely homoerotic intensity.

"AHHHHHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Aomine answered, pushing back against Kagami's aerial assault. Forty-five seconds passed and they began to descend, when Kagami super-powered himself through sheer willpower and finally overcame Aomine, sending the bible flying against the back wall with some sort of eerie glowing trail.

After the intense one minute of activity, both Kagami and Aomine were sweating as if they had just completed a cross-country marathon through a desert. Aomine hated Kagami for his attitude, but at the same time, hearing his heavy breathing and thinking about his pulsating, lumpy calf muscles, he wanted to kiss him.

_No, _he thought. _Nobody can kiss me but me!_

He faked Kagami out for no reason and ran down the church aisle, away from the matrimonial defenders, where he began trying to kiss himself. Momoi moved to try and stop him, knowing that he was slowly suffocating by swallowing his own tongue. Midorima screened her out, stopping her dead in his tracks.

"You can't go to him now, not while he's in the zone. Because of his intensified skill levels, kissing is no longer a team sport for Aomine. You'll only get in his way."

The wedding party stood in a semi-circle around Aomine, watching him choke on his tongue until his face matched his hair. When he finally stopped moving, the crowd couldn't believe it. They all put on their most outlandish faces of disbelief and shouted their reactions in linear, sequential order.

"Ahh!" said Hyuga.

"Ugh!" said Kise.

"Wha-" said Midorima.

"Ahh!" said Atsushi.

"Nani!" said Momoi.

The damn dog barked.

Kuroko gasped, startling the entire crowd with his sudden appearance. They weren't sure if he'd even been invited. He had been here the whole time.

Someone's phone went off, playing a loud buzzer noise that they had set as their ringtone.

Suddenly, the entire Seirin team erupted in still-photo shots of celebration and happiness with many motion lines hanging in the air. They couldn't believe that Kagami had pulled it off and that they had defeated their rival in the final seconds of the ceremony. Coach Riko, conscious once again, announced that she was treating everybody to a home-cooked meal at her house. The church emptied quickly as people scattered in every direction to escape her protein supplemented hell.

The doors of the church were closed and the lights shut off, leaving only the twisted body of Aomine laying on the floor and Kuroko, who the priest hadn't noticed and locked inside. He sat on the floor next to his deceased true love [suck it, Bubbles] and just stared into the distance with his strange super-autistic gaze. It had been an intense day, one which he would likely never forget. He almost had a facial expression, thinking about how Aomine could have saved himself, from his arrogance, his self-centeredness, from his unusually flexible tongue muscles. If only he had learned to play as a team, he could have gotten help. If only he had realized just how much he could have relied on his friends.

If only he had learned to play the basketball which Kuroko plays.


End file.
